In MST3k terms, Fortress is the Hercules Unchained of the Game Boy Advance. Staggering plot, confusing levels, many things that have absolutely nothing to do with each other. Well. There's only two words for that! That's right...
DEEP HURTING!
DEEEEEEEEP HUUUURRTINGGG!
Yeah, i'd rather watch that miserable, hour-long scene where Steve Reeves is out traipsing through the friggin' desert for the rest of my life than play this game for a month. And trust me, i tried.
I know what you're saying. "Hey, didn't you make this blog to bring out the better side of games that, otherwise, sit on the shelf collecting dust until some old-yet-well-intentioned-lady buys it for her grandson that will unwrap it, grimace, toss it in some darkened corner of his room, and never play with it because it isn't Pokemon or Halo?" And yes, you're right. But i also made this blog to warn against such games. They do sit on the shelf for a reason. And let's not overlook the fact that this little beauty was scored a friggin' 6.6 by GameSpot. The first thing wrong with that score?
"Fortress, by Majesco, is a competitive puzzle-strategy game that answers the question, 'What if Tetris were a battlefield?' "
Okay, ways to tell if your game sucks:
1. It was made by Majesco (Which is not entirely true; they did make Cooking Mama and some other really great games! Use only when Rule #2 applies!)
2. It tries to cross genres. In this case, Tetris mixed with some sort of odd-ass shooting game.
First off, there's no intro to the game. You're given the option of playing against the computer or another person. Wait..don't i get a tutorial? Don't count on it. In fact, don't count on anything in this game, as it'll turn on you like a Thief SATA-ing a Summoner's pet.
Hahah...Summoners. They never move their pets...
Then, you are given the option for the level in which you will play. Will you be the meathead cavemen, the castle-building knights, bawdy pirates, or futuristic spacemen? It really won't matter, considering you won't know what the hell to do with the damn pieces they give you. Yes, some of the gameplay is simple: if you put a piece over a hole, it will crumble down into the hole. But sometimes the pieces sporadically fall. The enemy is constantly shooting at your cave/castle/ship/space station, and the three cannon pieces you do get instantly fall apart as soon as they touch ground. Why? No one knows! Because it's fun!
Three things you must consider before turning on this game:
1. You will lose. If you win, you must've put magnets on the game cartridge.
2. Babbages doesn't do returns, so once you get it, it's YOURS, sucker!
3. Know beforehand if there is a 7-year-old with a Game Boy on your block. This will totally make his Christmas. Or fix his wobbly chair.
Also, it's out of production, which means you will have to get it used. Used. As in no guidebooklet to go with it. Which means you won't know what to do for the first fifteen minutes you play it. See Consideration #1.
46 comments:
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